As a result of the ever increasing burden of stress heaped upon my shoulders, I have decided to master the ancient art of transcendental meditation.

With this in mind, I have resolved to sleep on a bed of nails. Unfortunately, I do not currently have enough nails to cover an entire bed, so if I could have your assistance in this matter I would be most indebted to yourselves.

Please send any trimmings and / or clippings to my home address. Finger rather than toe nails preferred. I am not quite sure as yet exactly what the benefits are likely to be, although I am sure that they will come to light in due course.

Okay, that was some seriously gross crap. There was this guy who was lying down on a bed of nails and insisted that I must do the same if I were to lead a stress-free life. Who died and made him my life advisor? Stoooopid juvenile fuckwit!