my moms bag

The content of my mother’s bag is a standing joke in the family. Her bag is so heavy and big that you can hit someone with it and actually injure him! You will find almost anything from penknives, torches, chocolates and probably even the kitchen sink! You can actually get lost in there! Today, her cell phone rang and unfortunately for me, I had to fetch it for her from – THE BAG. It was a jungle out there! Thank God for small mercies that come in the form of cell phones that glow and have vibrating alert as options. If it weren’t for these God-sent features, I would have never made it out of that abyss.
When my mother goes out shopping for bags, her criteria are absolutely mind blowing. I am sure she is the only woman in the entire world who buys bags for parties that are huge and have maximum storage space. No, not for make up, but stuff. Notice how I say stuff and am not being specific. That is because to this day, I have not figured out what goes in there. Again, notice how I do not tell you what comes out, because…NOTHING does. I am sure she has my first ear wax ball. Eww!
It is not just a whole lot of paraphernalia in THE BAG, but a purse holding small change, another for her credit cards ands and larger denominations of money – all shapes, size and colours. There is a bag in the bag of the bag of the bag in the bag. You know what, that sentence actually makes sense even in syntax!
The other day, my mother wanted to ‘replenish’ and ‘update’ THE BAG. So she sat on her bed, spread all her wares and started to censor after great thought what went into the bag and what more went into the bag. Man, I have seen lockers, storage rooms, but I have nothing to say about my mother’s bag. It is just beyond words. The contents can make even Jerry Springer blush! Although I admire her “be prepared” attitude, I must say that she can do without half of the stuff in there.
Let’s think of a hypothetical situation where my mom can use at least some of the contents in her bag. Suppose she is being robbed, I doubt she can bring anything but her fists and tongue out in time, considering the number of bags in one single bag. I am sure she couldn’t possibly say “oh please give me a minute Mr. Thief, I am just about to bring out my self-defence equipment. Crap! My daughter is calling! Would you be a dear and answer it for me..” she could have just hit the guy with her bag and the poor chap been maimed for life! Can’t think why she didn’t think of that. Anyway, that was just hypothetical. The reason for this blog entry is because I have officially had enough. Maybe fear of MORE public humiliation will get my mom to clear her bag…or not have one altogether!
PS: she is now applying for a gun license. Wonder where that will go...hmm…